6-09 saying No

HOW TO TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS SAYING \"NO\"

by Joan Rubin

One of the more important communicative tasks that confronts a traveler is the recognition of when a speaker has said \"no.\" That is, one needs to be able to recognize that a respondent has refused or denied that which the speaker has demanded, solicited, or offered. Equally, one needs to acquire the appropriate manner in which to respond in the negative when offered, solicited, or demanded something. Granted that it is sometimes difficult to recognize a refusal in one's mother tongue where the answer might be ambiguous or deliberately obscure. Nonetheless, in many encounters the meaning is clear if one knows how to read the appropriate signals.

A first task for the visitor abroad is to discover which forms are used to fulfill this function. If we compare form and function across cultures, it soon becomes clear that one form may be used to mean different things in another culture than in one's own. For example, in Turkish \"no\" is signaled by moving one's head backwards while rolling one's eyes upwards. However, to an American this movement is close to the signal used for saying \"yes.\" Further, in still other cultures, head shaking may have nothing to do with affirmation or negation. In parts of India, rolling the head slowly from side to side means something like \"Yes, go on, I'm listening.\" Thus, as one goes from culture to culture, form and function may not match. If a foreigner wants to communicate appropriately, he must develop the competence of sending and receiving “no” messages.

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In order to understand the meaning of a new set of forms, it takes more than learning the forms that are used for denial or negation. A foreigner must also learn when and to whom he must use the proper form. That is to say, one must learn when and to whom it is appropriate to use a particular form which means \"no.\" For example, how do employees refuse a request from their employer? This may well be different from saying \"no\" to a peer. It will be important as well to understand what the appropriate conditions for saying \"no\" are. A speaker may be insulting the foreigner deliberately by the form of \"no\" he uses. These conditions must be learned along with the form for \"no\" or important messages or conditions may be missed.

However, not only the appropriate form and setting must be learned but also the underlying values of a culture will alter what is meant by a particular form even if used in the right setting. We will find that deep-seated cultural values will affect the proper interpretation of a particular form. Without knowledge of the central values, the traveler may never understand properly what message the speaker is trying to convey. Each of us carries around certain central values which underlie our behavior. These might be values such as being hospitable, being respectful, \"time is money,\" man as a mechanistic being and the like. Finally, individuals tend to have idiosyncratic ways of sending and receiving \"no,\" One of my students wrote a paper once on how she knew what was the most auspicious time to ask her father for something so as to avoid his saying no and thus more easily gain the favor she was asking for.

We can all recount tales of misunderstanding while residing in a foreign culture. Here are a couple

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of my own: (1) While living abroad I invited people to parties or dinner at my house. Although I requested an RSVP I never got any. As a result, it was necessary to prepare a large amount of food in case they all came. I was annoyed that I hadn't understood the cues for negation. (2) On several occasions, I found that I couldn't interpret the servants' ways of saying no. (3) In the United States negotiations with North Vietnam were often misinterpreted. The President often said: \"I'll talk peace anywhere, anytime.\" I think that one meaning which can be attributed to this sentence is \"No, I won't.\" The reason for this interpretation is that in most U.S. areas, when a person says \"drop in any time\" this is not an invitation. Rather, if one really wanted to extend an invitation one would need to specify when and where to meet. By saying \"anywhere, anytime\" without being more specific, the President's willingness to negotiate seemed dubious.

This paper will provide evidence for one of the claims of the new field of sociolinguistics which is concerned with understanding the speech act by looking at speech variation and social structure and rules. The claim is made that the interpretation of the speech act requires understanding it as a totality. Further, it is claimed that it won't do to merely look at the form-function relation inherent in any speech act in order to be able to interpret the message nor is it sufficient to look at the social parameters. One must also look for the underlying values inherent in the speech act. All of this kind of knowledge comprises what is meant by the term \"communicative competence,\" i.e., the ability to interpret the full meaning of a message and the ability to properly formulate such messages.

Looked at in this deeper way, the teaching of language would greatly benefit from using this kind of information in teaching about the culture and the proper use of the language. Language teaching

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often stops at the instruction of form-function relationships. At best, it gives clues as to the social parameters involved. Only rarely are students given information about the underlying values of a speech act. Part of the reason this is not taught is because teaching materials are not organized in this manner and because the details of a value system are more difficult to discern than either form-function relations or the social parameters of the speech act. However, if students are to properly use a language, it is essential that we provide them with this sort of information.

This paper will exemplify what the three levels of understanding a speech act look like for one kind of speech act, namely, negation. It will illustrate how all three are needed in the interpretation of the message of negation.

Form-Function Relations

It’s not hard to find examples of similar ways of expressing \"no\" relations across several cultures. These are worth listing:

(1) Be silent, hesitate, show a lack of enthusiasm. In many cultures in the world, being silent is a way of refusing an offer or an invitation or of giving an answer.

• When asked whether you liked a movie or a dress, be silent.

• If you receive a written invitation, don't answer.

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The big problem for a foreigner is that silence may mean many other things. Among the Western Apache, as Basso (1972) has shown, silence is used in \"social situations in which participants perceive their relationship vis-a-vis one another to be ambiguous and/or unpredictable.\" Basso argues that \"silence is defined as appropriate with respect to a specific individual or individuals.\"

(2) Offer an alternative. In some cases in order not to offend or to direct the conversation away from the request, the addressee may divert attention by suggesting an alternative.

• How do you like this book?

It's good but I prefer —

• What time should we meet? Around 5?

How about 4:30?

Let's make it 5,

• Mary can you help with the cooking?

Susan can do it better.

• Sylvia, can you do this?

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Manana (note that manana is translated as tomorrow, but its real meaning in this situation is a subtle negation).

(3) Postponement (delaying answers). Often in response to a request to perform something or to an invitation \"no\" is indicated by postponement.

• Can you come over this evening?

Not today, next time, I'll let you know.

• I think it's a great idea, but I don't have time at the moment.

• Say \"yes\" late (i.e., let the host know so late, it’s impossible for them to act).

• We're very busy now, but we'll get someone on it as soon as possible.

• We'll take the matter under advisement.

(4) Put the blame on a third party or something over which you have no control.

• My husband doesn't want me to, or I'll have to ask my husband.

• We'll put it up to the committee, but I can't promise anything.

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• I can't drink because I have a bad liver.

• My budget doesn't permit me to go.

• It's too expensive.

• Tell Arthur Murray dance studio salespersons while talking on the telephone: \"I'm sorry I only have one leg\" (even when the speaker has two legs but wants to avoid a sales pitch).

(5) Avoidance. One way to answer a question or an offer is to avoid responding directly.

•If a boy comes to visit a girl, don't be at home to him.

• If offered food you don't like, say \"I like X more.\"

• How do you like my dress?

It's interesting (i.e., the addressee doesn't like it; interesting is a nondescript word with no real meaning here).

(6) General acceptance of an offer but giving no details.

• In the United States, \"drop in any time\" is not an invitation.

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• In Arabic speaking countries, the following is a negation:

Let's have a picnic next Saturday?

Imshaallah (God willing) (equivalent to \"no\").

But Imshaallah plus time and details (equivalent to \"yes\").

• In Taiwan: I'll come but... (equal to \"no\").

(7) Divert and distract the addressee.

• In Hawaiian culture when a leader at a meeting begins to be too bossy, he may find two kinds of refusal of his orders;

—silence and a lack of enthusiasm (a hostile response)

—playful questions and misbehavior (breaks up tension)

• In the U.S., diverting a question is done by questioning the question.

• How old are you?

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Why do you ask? How old do you think? (Weiser, 1975).

• Address the speech act but not the content,

—Please close the door.

—Why?

Many of the above-mentioned seven approaches to saying 'no' are found in every culture. A foreigner has trouble when the relation between form and meaning are not the same in two different cultures.

For example,

(1) Silence may mean \"no\" in one culture but \"maybe\" in another. In the U.S. if you don't receive an answer to an inquiry, it means \"no.\" However, in Britain it means \"maybe\" or \"I'll write later when I have something to say.\" Among the Western Apache, silence is used when meeting strangers, during the initial stages of courting, when children come home, when being cussed out, and when one is with people who are sad. Basso (1972) notes that \"keeping silent among the Western Apache is a response to uncertainty and unpredictability in social relations\" (p. 83).

(2) Verbal cues may give one message but nonverbal cues another. An example is that of a Toradjan in Indonesia who worked as a laborer in a school headed by a British principal. The laborer

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always said \"yes\" but let her know by his body position that he didn't intend to do it.

(3) Societies differ in how food is offered and accepted and rejected:

• In the U.S., a hostess will offer more food usually only once,

—Have some more.

—No, thanks I'm really full.

—O.K.

• In parts of the Arab world and many other parts of the world one mustn't accept food the first or second time it is offered; however, refusal the third time is definitive.

Host Guest

—Have some. —I'm full.

—1 know you're full —As much as I like X,

but have some more I do have to refuse.

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for X's sake.\"

—For my sake, have some. —For your sake, I'll

I cooked the food. take some. (May then leave it on the plate.)

• An anecdote was recounted by an Arab speaker's first encounter with some Americans. On his first visit to an American home, he was served some delicious sandwiches. When the hostess came to offer seconds, he refused. Much to his chagrin, the hostess didn't repeat the offer. Thus, the Arab sat there, confronted by some lovely sandwiches which he couldn't eat.

(4) In France, when offered something, the best refusal is \"merci.\" The translation of this word is \"thanks\" but it means \"no, thanks,\" In the U.S. \"thanks\" means \"yes, thanks.\"

(5) Jakobson (1972) showed that head movements for \"yes\" and \"no\" differ from culture to culture.

One of the more interesting observations about \"no\" is that sometimes \"no\" may mean \"maybe\" given the right time and circumstances. This is a quite important function in boy-girl relations and in politics. An example of this function is shown by the following sex-biased joke:

What's the difference between a lady and a diplomat?

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When a diplomat says \"yes,\" he means maybe.

When a diplomat says \"maybe,\" he means no.

When a diplomat says \"no,\" he's no diplomat.

When a lady says \"no,\" she means \"maybe.\"

When a lady says \"maybe,\" she means \"yes.\"

When a lady says \"yes,\" she's no lady

It becomes important to know when a \"no\" is negotiable. Members in their own society need to know when a \"no\" is negotiable. Children, employees, and diplomats most often need to learn this quickly.

Social Parameters of Saying 'No'

All of these examples lead us to be careful not to assume that similar forms have the same function cross-culturally. We also know that we shouldn't assume that the task is one of merely finding the proper form to express a function. The form-function relationship is just the tip of the iceberg. We also need to consider how the performance of the speech act is related to social structure (that is, how you should address superiors, equals, respected persons and how this relates to your own status). In

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some cultures children can be more direct than in others. In addition, we need to consider how the speech act is related to a whole set of values attached to these behaviors.

Some of the social features that can be spelled out are as follows. In many societies, it is more important how you say \"no\" than the answer itself. It is more important to maintain proper social relations than to be definitive.

Some examples which are related to social structure features are listed below:

• In Korea, when old men offer younger men food, the younger one may not refuse.

• In the Marshall Islands, one is not permitted to say \"no\" to a chief's son. .

• In Poland, the older a person is, the harder it is to refuse.

• In Taiwan, the closer a relative is, the easier it is to say \"no.\"

Saying \"no\" is also related to the variety of language used by the respondent:

In some Arab groups, when you are invited to a feast, if the addressee responds in colloquial Arabicand says, \"Yes, sure I'll come,\" the speaker knows that the person will come. However, if the speaker responds using some classical Arabic, his response means \"no.\"

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In many societies a higher value is placed on maintaining social relations than in getting an answer. For example, in the Philippines, one tries to avoid the embarrassing situation where someone can say \"no\" directly to you. Instead you send out \"feelers.\" For example, if you want to be invited to a party you might say to a person whom you know is giving a party; I hear that you are a good cook/have a nice place. The addressee may refuse by saying: \"It's only for extended family.\" Or, if you want to get a job for some relative, you may send out a feeler (so as not to be faced with a refusal). An example of this kind of transaction is:

• By the way, I hear you have a job to fill. I have a nephew who is hard-working and who lives not too far away.

If yes, discuss his merits for the job.

If no, shift responsibility to a third party by saying, \"There's a committee deciding it.\"

• If employees want raises in salaries, they may send out a feeler telling a sob story, telling how much in need of money they are. Boss can refuse by saying how bad sales are going or how tight the budget is this year.

In Taiwan, where there seems to be a similar effort to maintain social relations and to avoid embarrassing situations, to get a job one would go through an intermediary. Likewise to find a marriage partner, Taiwanese would go through a broker. The broker (usually a friend) would arrange a

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gathering of the three sides by going to a show or preparing a meal. The girl can indicate her interest or lack thereof by whether she will sit by the boy or not.

In the Arab world, it is common to use a go-between to get a job, arrange a marriage, or get into a private school so that a direct refusal is prevented. However, unlike the Philippines, in arranging a job for a relative, one may tell the employer that there is a candidate who is worthless but who will shine under the tutelage of the employer,

On occasion in maintaining good social relations, one may not say no, yet if one cannot fully comply, one should do something to indicate good will. For example, in Taiwan and the Trust Territory, invitees to a party, funeral, or wedding must show they are a part of the community by attending. However, if this is impossible, they should either show up, if only for a few minutes, or send a representative, friend, or child.

In some cases, social relations may be such that people only understand the interchange if they know both the question and the answer. For example, in Taiwan if food is offered and the guest refuses, and if food is not offered again, he/she may feel that the host/hostess is stingy. The whole speech act consists of a series of questions and answers. In India, if people are offered food once and refuse, and if no second offer is made, they may recognize that the first offer was just a formality. In Indonesia, if people ask a wrong question (i.e., one that shouldn't be asked), then they may get a strange answer. For example, if a girl is asked by her sister-in-law whether she has a boyfriend, she will deny it because she is embarrassed to admit having one.

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Recognizing a \"no\" not only depends on finding the proper form-function relationship, it depends as well on the setting and social structure which dictate how and when \"no\" may be said. Interpretation of a negative is also related to underlying values in a society. In many cases, the problem is not one of truth and forthrightness; rather it is one of how people like to be treated and talked to.

Values

The following is an example of two clashing value systems:

One time, when looking for a research assistant, I checked with the chairman of one of the departments to find some likely candidates. I interviewed several students and, after a month and a half, decided to offer the job to an international student studying in the United States. Since it was in the midst of a school year, I suggested she could work less time until the summer when she could make up the time. She indicated her willingness to take the job. A week later I called her to tell her the job was hers. She called me back the next night and said that she was afraid she wouldn't be able to take it because her husband and child were planning to go to another town and she planned to follow them. I sympathized with her but was a little bothered by having her refuse the offer once having accepted it. The next day I called the chairman of the department to tell him of her refusal of the position. It turned out that she had been in to see him the day before and reported that she couldn't take my job because I had insisted on her working full time during the semester. She asked the chairman whether she might have a fellowship for the next year. Both the chairman and I were

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annoyed. In sharp contrast, the student appeared quite at ease with seemingly no recognition of having done anything wrong.

When we look at what happened, we can see that the form she took to say \"no\" is a common one in the U.S., namely, use a third party as an excuse, which is a good technique. The message was clear but still we were annoyed. The chairman was annoyed because she had tried to manipulate him and because after all his efforts to get her a job, she had refused to take a good one. I was annoyed because I had spent so much time finding the right person. Each of us interpreted the transaction differently, even though the form, function, and the social setting were shared. That is, it was clear she had refused. It was clear that she was using third party blaming to someone superior in status. However, the chairman was annoyed because he felt he was manipulated and I was annoyed because time is money and mine had been wasted. She wasn't uncomfortable at all because she had done her job well vis-a-vis social relations.

Conclusions

Sending and receiving \"no\" messages requires three levels of knowledge. Visitors to unfamiliar countries who hope to develop communicative competence in sending and receiving messages must, first of all, find the appropriate form-function relationship. Next, they must learn which social parameters enter into the speech act. Finally, they need to understand the underlying values of a society. Saying \"no\" is not, as many people suppose, simply finding the proper form-function relationship. That is only the tip of the iceberg. Visitors to another country need to probe more deeply

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if they are to express themselves adequately and to interpret messages sent by native speakers correctly.

References

BASSO, K. H, 1972. \"To Give Up on Words' Silence in Western Apache Culture,\" in Language at Social Context ed. by P. P. Giglioli. Baltimore, Penguin.

JAKOBSON, ROMAN. 1972. \"Motor Signs for 'Yes' and 'No',\" Language in Society, 1;1;91-96.

UEDA, KEIKO. 1974. \"Sixteen Ways to Avoid Saying 'no' in Japan,\" in intercultural Encounters with Japan. Communication Contact and Conflict ed. by John C. Condon and Mitsuko Saito. Tokyo: The

Simul Press.

WEISER, ANN. 1975. \"How to Answer a Question: Purposive Devices in a Conversational Strategies,\" unpublished paper given at the Chicago Linguistic Meetings (April).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joan Rubin, author of National Bilingualism in Paraguay (1965) and numerous other books and articles on language planning and bilingual education, received her Ph.D. degree in anthropology from Yale University in 1963. Her recent academic experience includes a Visiting Professorship at Georgetown University and a three-year appointment as Visiting Researcher at the East-West Culture

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Learning Institute in Hawaii. She has also served as a consultant on language planning and bilingual education in school systems here and abroad, including the Ministry of Education in Paraguay, and has lectured at many universities around the world. Besides her scholarly pursuits, Dr. Rubin has maintained an active interest in Language teaching. Her interest and concern are apparent in the article “How to Tell When Someone Is Saying ‘No’” in which she draws on her experience as a language teacher as well as her vast knowledge of languages and cultures.

1. In “How to Tell When Someone is Saying ‘No’” Joan Rubin uses the terms form-function relationship, social parameters, and underlying values. Can you explain all these terms?

2. To show that form-function relationships do not always extend across cultures, Rubin uses examples of a Turk moving his head backward and his eyes upward to express negation, an Indian rolling his head from side to side to convey or get across the idea “go on, I’m listening,” and a Frenchman answering “merci” to refuse something offered him. 1. How would the responses of the Turk, the Indian, and the Frenchman most likely be interpreted by a native speaker of English? 2. How would these response be interpreted by people of other cultures? 3. Can you think of other gestures or verbal expressions to signal “no” that might cause cross-cultural misunderstanding?

3. To illustrate an idiosyncratic or highly individualistic way o sending and receiving messages, Rubin gives an example of a student who knew how to avoid getting “no” answers from her father. In this instance, Rubin is contrasting individual or idiosyncratic behavior patterns with group or societal patterns. Can you think of way you or other people have of saying “no” that illustrate

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individual rather than group behavior patterns?

4. Rubin says that we can all give examples of misunderstanding a negative message while living in a foreign culture, describe her experiences and any experiences that you or others have had with this problem.

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